Advice
The Emotional Intelligence Myth: Why Your Best Managers Might Be 'Difficult'
Here's something that'll ruffle a few feathers: the manager who made me cry in 2003 was probably the best boss I ever had.
Before you start typing angry emails, hear me out. I've spent seventeen years watching companies obsess over emotional intelligence for managers like it's the holy grail of leadership. And frankly? We've got it all wrong.
The Coddling Crisis
Walk into any Melbourne CBD office and you'll find managers tiptoeing around feedback like they're defusing bombs. They've been so thoroughly trained in emotional intelligence that they've forgotten how to be honest. Result? Teams that think mediocre is magnificent and performance that plateaus faster than a bad soufflé.
The emotional intelligence industrial complex has convinced us that good managers should be therapists first, leaders second. But here's the uncomfortable truth: sometimes the kindest thing you can do is tell someone their work isn't good enough.
My old boss Sarah – and yes, she made me cry – never sugarcoated anything. When my quarterly report was rubbish, she told me it was rubbish. No sandwiches. No "feedback burgers." Just truth.
Did it sting? Absolutely. Did it make me better? You bet it did.
The Authenticity Advantage
Here's where most emotional intelligence training goes sideways. It teaches managers to perform empathy rather than feel it. You end up with leaders who sound like they've swallowed a corporate communication manual.
"I hear what you're saying, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid, but we need to explore some opportunities for growth in your deliverables."
Good grief. Just say the work needs improvement!
The managers who genuinely connect with their teams aren't the ones following emotional intelligence scripts. They're the ones being human. Sometimes that means getting frustrated. Sometimes it means admitting they don't have all the answers.
I remember watching a project manager at a Perth mining company completely lose his cool during a safety briefing. Not professional by any standard. But his genuine anger about corner-cutting resonated more than any carefully crafted emotional intelligence approach ever could have. The team respected him for caring enough to get angry.
The Feedback Paradox
Here's something they don't tell you in those managing difficult conversations workshops: the most emotionally intelligent thing you can do is sometimes be emotionally unintelligent.
Confused? Let me explain.
Real emotional intelligence isn't about managing everyone's feelings. It's about knowing when feelings need to be managed and when they need to be challenged. The best managers I've worked with understand that protecting someone from uncomfortable truths isn't kindness – it's cruelty disguised as care.
Take performance reviews. Traditional emotional intelligence training suggests we should always consider the emotional impact of our feedback. But what about the emotional impact of not giving honest feedback? What about the team members who have to pick up the slack? What about the high performers who watch mediocrity get rewarded with gentle encouragement?
The Aussie Approach
Maybe it's our cultural DNA, but Australians have always been reasonably good at straight talking. We call a spade a spade, not "an earth-moving implement with optimisation opportunities."
But somewhere along the way, we started importing American-style emotional intelligence frameworks that assume everyone's made of glass. We've traded directness for diplomatic dancing, and our workplaces are worse for it.
The best Australian managers I know blend traditional directness with genuine care. They'll tell you your presentation was boring, then spend an hour helping you fix it. They'll call out poor behaviour, then back you when you need support.
It's not about being harsh or kind. It's about being real.
The Real Skills That Matter
So what does actual emotional intelligence look like in practice? It's not what most training programs teach.
Real emotional intelligence is knowing when your team member's attitude problem is actually a workload problem. It's recognising that the "difficult" employee might be the only one brave enough to point out real issues. It's understanding that sometimes people need space to be frustrated before they can move forward.
Most importantly, it's about building psychological safety not through emotional cushioning, but through consistency and fairness. People don't need their feelings constantly validated. They need to know their manager has their back and will tell them the truth.
The Measurement Mistake
Corporate Australia loves measuring emotional intelligence. We've got assessments, 360-degree feedback tools, competency frameworks – the works. But here's the rub: we're measuring performance, not authenticity.
The managers who score highest on emotional intelligence assessments are often the ones who've learned to game the system. They know what answers get them through. Meanwhile, the genuinely emotionally intelligent managers – the ones who prioritise honesty over harmony – often score lower because they're not performing emotional intelligence; they're living it.
I've seen managers get promoted based on their EQ scores despite being completely ineffective leaders. And I've seen brilliant managers overlooked because their direct communication style doesn't tick the emotional intelligence boxes.
Where We Go From Here
Look, I'm not suggesting we go back to the bad old days of command-and-control management. Toxic leadership is still toxic, regardless of results. But we need to stop confusing emotional intelligence with emotional avoidance.
The future belongs to managers who can be both demanding and supportive, direct and caring, challenging and encouraging. They're comfortable with discomfort. They understand that growth happens at the edge of our comfort zones, not in the middle of them.
These managers don't need emotional intelligence training. They need permission to be human.
And sometimes, being human means making people cry. If it's for the right reasons, in the right way, with the right follow-up, that might just be the most emotionally intelligent thing you can do.
So next time someone suggests your management style lacks emotional intelligence because you gave honest feedback, remind them that authenticity beats performance every time. Your team will thank you for it.
Even if they need tissues first.
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